Inquisitive Elle

InquisitiveElle (he/him) has been active in BDSM and kink communities since 2016. He is an avid volunteer both at his home base in Albany, NY and in virtual spaces, including as a facilitator for the Online Service Chats since 2021 and as a staff member for the Service Oriented Conference since 2022. Elle is passionate about service, negotiation, communication, and connection. He is excited to offer collaborative environments for people to share and learn together.

Interview

Why is service important to you?

Service offers me an opportunity to connect with other people. Through people's interests, insights, and lessons around service, I gain opportunities to learn about new activities, skills, and passions I otherwise may not have. As such, I've learned new skills and techniques in providing service. Additionally, I've learned what it means to receive service without fear or shame that I'm not doing enough to earn it. Understanding my relationship with my dominant partner through a framework of service has allowed me the opportunity to build new awareness of myself and my communication with him to form a stronger and deeper bond. Service is important to me because there is so much more to learn and share; I look forward to finding out more.

What are your service goals?

I am working toward approaching service with grace, ease, and compassion. I have found that I can sometimes be grumpy when I serve, especially when I am stressed. While I strongly contend that showing one's authentic feelings while providing service is acceptable and valid, I don't like coming from a place of anxiety or annoyance when I complete my service tasks. I am working on approaching my service more mindfully and finding ways to address the root cause of my grumpiness so I may provide service more openly and easily.

Do you ever feel insecure in your service?

Absolutely! Social comparison can sometimes creep into my assessment of my service. There are so many wonderful people who serve in incredible ways in what it is we do! Who am I to think I measure up? I mean take my recent foray into barista service; it's been over a year and I am still a novice at latte art. My lattes look like abstract modern art, not the hearts and leaves that grace our Instagrams!

I think it is okay to feel insecure in service sometimes, so long as it isn't detrimental to my ability to serve. I can keep working toward service, and provide awesome service, even if it isn't my definition of "perfect." What matters most in my opinion is those whom I serve are satisfied and I enjoy serving. And so, I will keep making lattes-even if they aren't artsy each time.

Do you have any advice for partners who are looking to incorporate service kink play into their lives for the first time?

I'd say start with small things that you already do and build a protocol or structure around them through intentional communication and practice. As an example, I started exploring service with my dominant through me filling his water bottle. I would feel the weight of his water bottle when I came near it while going about my day. If it felt fairly light when I picked it up, I would fill it and bring it to him, and if it was full, I made sure it was in easy reach. Recently, he's asked me to add a water enhancer to flavor the water, or rinse out the bottle before I refill it. Service activities don't need to include a whole formal ritual every time (though those can be fun too!). Small things that we do every day can be the start of significant and meaningful service.